The story behind Jayna
When I was young, full of dreams and oblivious to real-life problems, I wanted to change my name from Angela to Angelina. This was before Angelina Jolie became a household name so that wasn’t the reason.. Thinking back, it was because the name Angelina was pretty, long, and unique to my inchoate ears. Coming from a culture where first names are only two-syllables long and last names even shorter at one (although I later learned that there were some common exceptions to this norm), I wanted my name to be as long and different as possible. After all, I was only one of millions of ‘Lee’s’ in the world while my classmates boasted longer, more original last names like Mitchell, Barnes, and Robinson. At the age of 8 or 9, I decided that I must change my first name to set myself apart from the rest, since last names can’t be changed unless I ask my Korean ancestors who were already long gone and buried on a hill somewhere in the country side (or so I thought).
Being the loud-mouthed kid that I was, I immediately ran to tell my parents about my proposed name change. They simply chuckled and with a quick nod, told me I could do as I wish. Not knowing the difference between a legal name and nickname, I was ecstatic to adopt a new name that now marked me as ‘different’ from the rest and more true to my personality. Despite my adventurous, curious and courageous nature, I was always a ‘girly’ girl who loved Barbies and the color pink, and adding that ‘lina’ at the end was more than enough to make me feel more beautiful and feminine than my previous (and prescribed) self.
Now the only traces of my newly adopted name remain on the inside cover of my childhood books, in which I carefully flipped through individually to mark my transition from Angela to Angelina. With my dainty, hopeful hand, I crossed out the original 6-letter name and replaced it with the new and improved 8-letter name, while not forgetting to mark each i with an heart instead of the boring ole’ dot that everyone else used.
Then nearly 20 years later, I found myself thinking of a pen name that is not only fitting to my personality, but true to my roots. After playing with numerous combinations of Angela, Angie, Jeah (My korean name which roughly translates to ‘beautiful jade’) Angela J., Jeah Angela, Angela Jeah, Lee Ang, Ang J Lee, Lee Jeah, etc. I came across the name Jayna, which immediately brought back waves of emotions I had once felt the day I decided to name myself Angelina.
As an adult, I’m now glad I wasn’t adamant enough to legally change my name to Angelina, although I still think it’s a beautiful name. Anyway, the name Jayna continues to stir me in a deeply emotional and profound way as it combines the root of my given name (‘Je’ or ‘Jay’ meaning Jade in Korean) and ‘Na’ which to me, is emblematic of my ‘female’ sides. Notice I don’t like to use the word ‘feminine’, as it has over the years, become packed with negative connotations of what a woman is and should be, reminding one of adjectives like subservient, quiet, submissive, helpless, etc. My ‘femaleness’ is something I can’t shake off -or wish to shake off- because it is what describes my history, my lineage, my identity and my dreams.
I am a woman and I wouldn’t choose to be anything else, but a woman.
Freud has once said that all females go through a period of ‘penis envy’ in which they secretly wish to have a penis like their fathers and brothers. I’m sorry Dr. Freud, but I never ever wanted a penis or ever thought of it as a source of empowerment. In fact, I always thought it was kind of odd-looking and difficult to hide between one’s legs. It might come in handy when one is trying to pee in a public restroom, but that’s okay because I have mastered the art of using the toilet without actually sitting on the seat. In fact, I discovered not too long ago that this is a beneficial pose called ‘chair’ in yoga, one that strengthens my thighs.
So there’s no penis envy here and as crazy as this may sound to some men out there, I’m proud to be a woman. Yes, proud. I’m proud to be female and I’m proud of both my female and feminine sides. I don’t see womanhood as something to be ashamed of and manhood as something to desire for the rest of my life. In fact, being a woman brings so much complexity in one’s life that most women don’t have the time to wish to be a man. And why would she? Being a woman means being able to bring a new life into the world and experience the indescribable feeling of holding that 10-second old life in your hands for the first time. I don’t care how much stronger men are; how much more money they make than me for the same job–Just for being able to experience that connection with a life that I helped to create and deliver, I’d choose to be born as a woman in a heartbeat.
So with all this said, I’m excited to be able to start writing again using a name that is so fitting, so comfortable and so right for me. And the fact that it means ‘God’s Grace’ or ‘the Lord is Gracious,’ makes it difficult to doubt the validity of these feelings. God truly is gracious and I can only hope and pray that I’m reading the right signs this time.
