At the end of another windy road
Tomorrow marks the last day of 2008.
Yet I find today to be completely ordinary–almost too ordinary for my comfort.
As I replace each calender in my home with a new one and remind myself to compose another list of new year’s resolutions (which conveniently, gets thrown out within the first two weeks of January), I ask myself how different today is from Last year’s today. Quite Frankly, I don’t remember much from last year around this time because my life requires me to take care of other people over myself that it leaves very little time for constructive self-reflection . This of course, is something I can’t really complain about since it has been done out of my own free will, but like many others, I’m prone to questioning myself and my decisions over and over again for long after. And I’m almost certain that another set of rambling will be dedicated just to this decision when time is right.
Not surprisingly, I’m still not living the life of Mother Theresa or Dalai Lama and can’t promise that I ever will. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’ve taken a path that requires me to be a wife, a mother and a woman, which means dedicating the rest of my life to exploration of spirituality may result in abandonment of daily duties.
In the end, I’m awaiting the last day of 2008 with a lighter heart even though it has been a year filled with constant disappointments and disagreements. Despite my efforts, I have yet to find a person who truly understands the depth of my soul or can appreciate the lengths of my imaginations without giving up. I have yet to save more money than last year. I have yet to taken an exciting trip to a new place. I have yet to come closer to my lifelong career goal. Instead, I’ve been forced to sacrifice, give up and retreat, all with bittersweet smiles.
My body still goes through same motions while being confined in same places. My mouth continues to recite same lines over and over again to achieve what seems to be same fruitless purpose. My eyes see the same faces and at times refuse to see the same damned things. My ears even, are delighted by the same sounds and repulsed by other same ones.
What is different this last day of the year, is that my newfound spiritual awakening makes it possible for my mind to travel to different places even though my external self continues to be bored out of its existence. My mind feels a thousand times lighter, and yearns to be filled with that many more things.
And even such needless contemplation makes me hopeful for a brighter 2009.
Cheers to me, for the closing and opening of another Literary Blunder.
